Am I delulu?

Hi Sam! I need your help. I am 26, gay, and I have sent around 10k to Alphas over the last 7 years BUT ... I never had the courage to meet one and worship them in person.

I tell myself that maybe I am not a faggot and I did send the money just for fun but if I worshipped an Alpha in person, my place in the hierarchy would be fixed.

Am I lying to myself? The 10k are a lot of money for me and maybe this sum already is a strong sign that I am indeed a faggot.

I think I am not the only one who is struggling with his place. The Alphas are fine with receiving money and I was never asked to meet... so I would love to hear your opninion and what next step you would recommend.