Relationship Impact

Hello Sam, I hope you are doing well.

I’m reaching out because I’m trying to better understand my situation.

I was in a relationship with my ex-partner who, while sometimes gentle, was also emotionally and physically abusive. We never had a Dom/Sub relationship, he was just mainly interested in anal sex, and barely kisses and hugs. After we broke up, I had to continue living in his apartment for about a year, sleeping in a separate room. During that time, he often treated me in a degrading way, expecting me to clean after him, leaving messes for me (dirty plates on table etc), and generally acting as if I didn’t matter.

A few months later, he started a relationship with his long-time female friend, and I was still living there when this happened. I could hear them having sex sometimes, and although it made me feel humiliated and hurt, I later found myself thinking about those moments during masturbation. They also excluded me socially and barely acknowledged my presence in the apartment.

On a side note: He was never in a relationship with a female before and I still see him watching gay porn while taking a bath.

What confused me the most was that when I finally decided that I wanted to leave, he asked me not to go, which created a lot of emotional contradiction for me. His exact words were "No, please don't go".

Recently, I’ve noticed that I feel drawn to Dom/Sub and Alpha/F*ggot dynamics in a sexual context, and I’m wondering if these desires are somehow linked to what I experienced during that period of my life.

My question is: Should I keep living with him and just empty my life? Or is it better to find a healthier Alpha/Sub relationship?

Thank you in advance for your guidance.