Failed as a Man?
Since I was young, I can remember craving the attention of really masculine Men. I was really confused by this and tried to hide it. I tried to be more masculine, gain muscle, talk with a deeper voice, and roll with the guys. Eventually, I realized I was gay. I tried to convince myself that I was a top. I never fucked anyone but I tried starting relationships with fem guys that invariably didn’t work. They could sense there was something in me that didn’t quite feel right. I was really depressed for a while.
Eventually, I stumbled on some Tumblr blogs that put things in perspective for me. I started to realize that, though I am male, I am not a Man. I had been told my whole life to be masculine, to fuck with my penis, to be a Man. But I learned that I was actually a pussy boy and that I should learn to use my boy hole instead of my boy clit.
I didn’t know what to think at first. I didn’t want to give up my masculinity and be a bitch, be the girl in the relationship. I started looking at my hole in the mirror and playing with my ass cheeks, still too afraid to put something inside. I started masturbating in strange position with my ass up in the air. It felt good but scary to be in those vulnerable positions.
As I started watching porn more oriented towards pussy boys, I found myself thinking about how great it must feel to surrender to a real Man, to give in to my desires, to please Men, to get fucked. I realized I needed to buy a dildo and try it out. What was the worst that could happen?
When that dildo finally pierced my hole, I permanently changed. I had never felt such sensations in my entire life. The feeling of being opened up and fucked like a bitch boy was incredible, over powering, and undeniable. I couldn’t keep running from it.
But run I did. I went through several dildos since that first one. I’d use one for a while and then throw it out, afraid of what I had done. But I always bought another; I craved it in my hole.
And that’s where I am now. I still crave cock in my boy pussy, but I’m still too afraid and embarrassed to admit that I’m a pussy boy.
I feel like I failed as a Man. And I guess I know I did...I feel so conflicted. I don't want to cage my dick, but I want to cage it. I don't want to submit, but I want to submit. I don't know. I'm just tired of feeling like this.
