Who I am !

Hi ! I am 20 years old and I have two questions ( and sorry I m french so my English is horrible) :

- First : I search what is my place une the hierarchy, yes it’s strange but for the moment I don’t know. Effectively I have two part of me : one part want to be more manly, practise sport many time in week, love to be superior, love to command, and think I have charisma ( but this part is hard to assume because I have bad self esteem and stress disorder ) ; the second part want to obey and be useful for a real man, feel weak in front of certain man and be excited by story of fag ( but I scare because I have toxic sexual part and I can’t  to dissociate toxic of good for the moment ). So I don’t know where is my place in hierarchy.

- The second question is more simple, I have two boyfriend, I m in love with us but they no sensual and dominant so often I want more sensuality and hard sex, what can I do ?

thanks and have good day