Shame

Hello Sam!

I’m writing with an issue probably everyone had struggled with at some point, however I feel like for me it’s too much, and I need help.

Thing is, I always feel like am two different people, the horny and the regretful. I seek out men all the time,  and every time I get on my knees I already feel deep shame, so bad it even causes apathy, where I space out while in the act.
I totally disconnect from my body, and focus on the cock. That’s a good thing right?
Except I feel no real sensations during that time. It’s like I’m blocking it all out. I barely moan, squeal and then mechanically cum.
During and after the act I feel terrible. I become numb for a couple hours, sometimes even days.
Yet I always come back crawling for more. I really can’t get enough of cock and cum and spit and piss and pits and musk. It’s always the same. The before is always amazing, I fire up grindr and arrange a meet up, I head there when the time comes and again shows up my numbness.
I am infuriated that I cannot find my own pleasure in serving. Isn’t it that my pleasure is supposed to be derived from the man’s pleasure? I feel a deep sense of purpose within it, I really love men and love cock, so I push through the stupid feelings and still accept the cock and cum with my whole heart, mouth and hole.

But still, I feel like a failure.
While I do recognise the deep interplay of shame and desire, and how much it drives me to wanting more and more cock, I feel like it is excessive.

Dear Sam, what would you advise me to do?

- vitale