How do I truly accept being a faggot after struggling for years?

Hi Sam!

My name is Theo and I've been reading your blog/page since 2020. I figured out I was gay two years before that and slowly started figuring out my kinks and fetishes and that's how I came across all of this.

Back then I treated hierarchy as more of a kink really, using it to jerk off to it and just get off. However, slowly I started realizing it's actually a lot more than just a kink (shocker, I know). I have pretty much struggled with the idea of it for the past few years.

Now, I am 18 and also fresh out of a vanilla leaning, slightly sub/dom relationship. I met the guy through grindr and we hit it off and managed having a really nice relationship, until I started losing feelings. I now realize that me losing feelings was due to the fact that he wasn't an alpha male. I practically had to beg (to the point of being annoying) for him to dominate me, and even then it was just some low level getting rough during sex. I loved him, truly, but ended up hurting him because I had to end things. We never had the whole fag/hierarchy talk because he was clear that he thought nothing of the whole alpha male concept. There were other indicators that he was pretty beta, but that isn't too important now.

My issue now is, how do I move from here? I'm almost done with high school, and live in a rather regressive European country. I am planning to move away to Germany in a bit more than a year, for college. During a short recent vacation I found this guy (also on grindr) who I've been chatting to. He's from Berlin. We met up a few times in a short period and parted ways, staying in contact. He is much more dominant than my ex, open to the idea of me being a fag and using me like one. Now the issue still is that I also have quite some romantic tension with him, and I believe he's into me outside of the alpha/fag dynamic.

I guess my problem would be that I feel like I have to choose, or compartmentalize these aspects of a relationship. I am looking for love and a boyfriend, but I also feel the undeniable fire of faggotry burning in my heart.

Please help me figure this out. I have not always been certain about your teachings and ideas being true, or at least this serious/deep, but I've recently realized that they are, so I come to you to ask for guidance.

Keep up this amazing work that you're doing, you really are showing people things about their own selves that would normally take ages to figure out.