Hi Sam, I am the fag from Spain that asked a question at the beginning of the month. To make a story short, you were right, I do have way too much ego. Yet, somehow, no matter how much I try to let go of it, I just can’t.
I spent the last weeks thinking about your reply, about how I could let go of it to truly serve and do it at my best. However, life had other plans for me.
This past Wednesday, I met up with an man from Grindr. I went to his apartment. We talked a little bit, lots of kisses here and there, huge cock too, but I wasn’t feeling it. Like, my intuition, something in me was telling me: Don’t relax! Stay aware, stay alert! Anyways, we fucked, I worshipped his feet and I got out.
Fast-forward, on Friday, he texted me, we talked a lot about the things we both liked. He mentioned that we has an Alpha and he used to have a ‘no-limits boy’ -he didn’t call him fag, but, you know, I know, we know…-, and that he liked: piss play, bondage, his boy to be completely hairless, to be asked permission if I wanted to cum or kiss him. But a sentence that really shocked me -kinda- was: I just like to see the fear in their faces. And, I thought it was just an exageration, well, it wasn’t.
We decided that I would go to his apartment on saturday’s morning and we would see how the situation developed. I couldn’t. Truly, I couldn’t.
For the first time in my life, no matter the amount of sweet words he was hiding behind, I met a destroyer alpha. All it took was one hard slap across my face, and it took me back to my childhood when I was harsly beaten, and to make me realize what my intution meant. He was going to take everything out on me.
I saw it in his eyes, the anger, the desire to make someone suffer, the I need a f*cking punchin-bag! He told me “I can go slow and be more sweet if you want to”, he tried, he gave me after-care. Yet, every word felt like a lie, like: I going slow until you become used to it, then you know…
To sum up, it made me realize that I have been manifesting into my life the same type of man, the same type of alpha while dreaming of one that ‘I used to have’ but never could be.
I became a master at manifesting men that just wanted to be Alphas because they felt the world was unfair to them; call it being too busy or uninterested after getting me, or being interested in destroying me.
Same men, different places and different faces.
And so, I thought more deeply about what I was looking for, about how I truly felt, about how ‘I could let go of such opportunity to be trained even better’? And I got reminded of my first crush in high-school.
He was one year older than me; he was smart; he had a great body; he loved to show off his muscles to me; he would slap my butt cheek so hard and he didn’t care if someone saw; he would play online games with me; he would grab me by the waist whenever we had to take a picture; he was the type of man that would do anything he wanted to you and yet tell you… if anyone bothers you or you want something, tell me, i’ll take care of it.
You know, back in high-school, there was this one girl that was friend of his group of friends, and she would say to them: ‘Be careful with him. He is gay’. And he would just make her shut up so fast with just one look. He used to come and tell me: if you are gay, it’s okay. He knew even when I always said no, but I just couldn’t gather the courage to accept it to others -not because of shame, but because of the environment I was in-. I moved to another place, he got a girlfriend, and everything ended.
Basically, and to finish this, when I think of my high-school crush… I feel like I want, like I ache to get on my knees and just follow his orders and follow him; but, when I think of the man I met up with last saturday, I am like… I can not be a fag, this man can kill me anytime, I can not dare to relax.
Is it being less, being a punching-bag, being a fag? what actually feels like to be a fag? does it always have to feel like you are a toy awaiting to be discarded?
I am sorry if it got too long. It’s just too many emotions, and just you to share them with.
Thank you. I hope everyone has had an amazing christmas day, and I wish everyone a happy new year too.
P.S. It wasn’t the first time men slapped me across my face during sex or service, but the intention behind it CERTAINLY felt different.
This is a follow-up to THIS QUESTION.
Well, brother, I’m glad you took my counsel to heart. I felt like I beat you up a little bit when you last wrote to me, so I’m glad it helped you rather than hurt you!
Yes, Destroyer Alphas are definitely lurking out there, and it sometimes takes some searching to really get them to reveal the malignant intentions they might have toward you.
I don’t really know what to make of the rest of this epic text you wrote to me. However, I want to address your question near the end of it. In regards to being a “punching bag”, I don’t think every faggot needs to be used that way. Some faggots like being beaten up by Alphas, and there are plenty of Alphas all-too-happy to oblige them.
I know I’ve never been beaten by my Alphas (been wrestled into submission holds plenty of times, but never just punched outright). I’d refuse to serve an Alpha who would treat me that badly when I’m doing my best to serve properly.
But again, there are some sick faggots out there who can’t feel anything other than pain.
Have a question? CLICK HERE to ask!
